Happy birthday to me yet again.

I am told that women my age feel like this is the time to make life decisions. Big ones. I do not know whether I am not that kind of a woman or I am making big life decisions and am not aware of that.

Only time will tell.

My 33d year of life was once again rather full of lessons, new experiences, fresh conclusions. I have read my last years post and it felt so positive and structured. I impressed myself to be honest. I feel like after that birthday my year turned and really challenged me. 

I have made a decision, not entirely conscious to stay put in my new apartment and live the life. I used to say that I wanted to work for six months and have the rest of it off. So I tried that. I now understand that this kind of life is not yet for me. I struggled a lot mentally by being in one place. My bank account was also constantly hungry and that added an extra pressure on my mental state. I got myself into a relationship, party why I wanted to be put, but the relationship only worked when I was stationary. So for the 7 months of the year I was rather down, because of the choices I made and probably because I am so stubborn I chose not to acknowledge that. My saving grace was the job I almost did not go to in Croatia. I now think that it really pulled me out and I can reflect on the whole year with more clarity.

So the things I have learnt this year are:

  • Trying things you think you’d like and actually not enjoying them. I thought living in my own apartment for 6 months will be great. This life concept works very well for some people. Not for me, not right now.
  • Self sabotaging, or trying to fit the mould to make a relationship work. I was given a very good advice by a male friend, how I should always try and stay truthful to myself especially in the relationship. Keeping your hobbies, staying curious about new things. You can’t stop, just because you “found” someone.
  • Sexual education is extremely important. Unfortunate things do not just happen to “bad” people. Get tested, tell your friends to be tested, do not be ashamed or afraid.
  • Speak up. Speak up if someones behaviour is making you uncomfortable. They might not be aware of that. If you like someone, just say it. Also I have learnt to recognise how my body deals with repressed feelings. 
  • I have learnt how to drive, I have passed my exams and started driving in the UK even though I have learnt to do it all on the other side of the road in EU.
  • I have applied for directing mentorship scheme, which got me into the mind space for pushing towards that regardless.
  • I was reminded how much I like my work away and that life is meant to feel like a holiday.
  • I have practiced to see and love “men” for what they are or want to be. 
  • I have started meditating with the help of an app. 
  • I’ve discovered what I would like to do with my photography. 
  • I decided that I want to live in the van for few years. 
  • I spent some time with my sister and her new born and the toddler. Learning to babysit. 
  • I reconnected with old friends and London.

Now that I have written the bullet points, I see that my year had a theme. It doesn’t feel very positive, but it is. Life is a journey, which is meant to be enjoyed. Some things are harder to enjoy at the time, but perhaps the outcome can bring that. Clarity and staying true to yourself. That’s what I would like to take from 33 moving forward. Also something very recent which I discovered about myself which I like is my ability to try and try love again, without any prejudice or judgment. I am so grateful that no matter what has happened, it does not hold me back.

This year I am in Halifax overlooking the treetops, having few chocolate biscuit with my coffee. I am going to have a nice lunch with a friend later, who as he describes is more than a friend.  There is nowhere else I would rather be and that is a great feeling.

Happy birthdays to all of you who share the day!