Hello,

My week 8 in Morocco was spent in this beautiful hotel in the desert overlooking the dunes of Sahara. It looks like something from the postcard. Beautiful bright colours, warm breeze, silence and refreshing pool. Yes it would feel like a dream to be here if my being here would mean that I could leave. At the moment I cannot leave, I cannot really choose what I eat or at what time, I can’t choose who is around me and I can’t reach out to anyone outside of here, because there is no internet or phone reception. Essentially I am locked in here and locked out of everything else. 

As you might imagine my mental state is in a bit of a shambles. I know that covid can affect that as well so, maybe it’s not just all me going crazy, maybe there is a medical explanation that goes along with how I feel.

It’s interesting, because sometimes you guys message me saying how glamorous my life seems to be and this and that. Which is true sometimes it looks very exciting, but well there is always a price to pay. I think I am paying it right now. 

In other news I have no idea what is going on in the world. For now I know that I have to test negative soon, so I could be released also I know that there is no plan if all of the sudden I do not test negative when they expect me too. I wish covid never happened. I wish the guy eating the bat would have spat it out, I wish everything was as it was, blissfully ignorant. 

OK, I am sorry I sound so depressed. Thank you for being here and being the reason I sit down to write, that DOES help. 

***

Monday. Covid tends to come and go in waves they say. Today is a very bad wave. I can’t find a better example to being drunk, because that’s the only state of mind where I feel we loose the sense of self preservation. This is how Monday on Covid felt for me, I absolutely didn’t care anymore. I was in a haze.

Tuesday. 5 out of 10 day for me. Concentration non existent.

Wednesday. We got random tested today. I feel a bit better. We watched a movie on the projector, it was shot in Morocco, funny. I am so tired.

Thursday. The tests came back positive for pretty much everyone in this hotel, including the staff. The only negative result was from the actor who potentially infected us all. He has also been my best friend here, looking after me when I was drowsy and just giving me a hug when I was sad. I am happy for him of course, but I think that also means that they will move him out. It seems that production cares about the faces needed in front of the camera, not the people behind the equipment. Funny, we are “essential”, but also very much “disposable”.

Friday. So I was right, my covid friend is being moved today to continue his isolation in another hotel locked up alone in his room, so he does not get reinfected from all of us who are still positive. Is that even medically possible?

Saturday. Started watching the Jinx with the guys. Our lunches come in paper bags which we should be eating in our rooms. New rules, because well we infected pretty much the whole hotel with Covid and now government has taken over our isolation hotel. Mood is rather sombre. My covid friend was moved out from the hotel yesterday so I am feeling a bit lonely again. Ah yes another person tested positive on set and was brought in to our covid hotel. 

Sunday. Wifi in this place comes and goes, just like my mental state. Today we all got tests taken. I am expected to test negative as it has been 10 days today after my first positive test. I still feel a bit fluey, but nothing like at the start of this. This Covid experience being sort of alone in the desert with the hospital being miles away and my family pretty much unreachable due to the lack of reception has been tough.. Made me rethink my priorities once again and well realise that I do not have a home, a safe place where I would be happy to be when I am all weak and sick. I had help and comfort here of course, but I also know that, once I am out of sight I am also out of mind for those people, for most people actually. My imminent existence does not matter to most and well I am learning to accept and be ok with that. 

Highlights:

  • My covid recovery. 
  • Blissful ignorance in the pool.

Cheers with a glass full of mentally tired elephant.