I have gone through some of my old posts, more specifically things I wrote almost 4 years ago, when I was working nights on weekends to finance my freelance filmmaking career, which was pretty much non existent back then.
“How badly do you want something?” I questioned myself and the vast void of the internet. My goal back then was to “make it” as a script supervisor, travel the world with work on various creatively exciting projects. Fast forward to today and I can say that I do live a life now I was dreaming of then, but at what cost?
- Family. In the past 4 years I actually had so much more time and opportunities to spend time with my family than I had in the 8 years while constantly living in London. I was lucky enough to land most of my jobs back home so I based myself there for almost 3 years. In this particular instance the price of my career also ‘paid’ for my family time.
- Friends. That is slightly different. Unfortunately some friendships did not survive my pursuit of ‘making it’. I can’t quite put my finger on why exactly some of my friendships are no longer there, but I guess we grew apart due to different lifestyles and my unavailability being all over the place, taking jobs which would mean I had to skip birthdays, social events and regular hang outs you kinda need, to simply maintain friendships. Also I started to feel less relatable, which as a result made me less relatable. Good thing I learnt along the way though, is that you are never too old to make new friends or amends with the old ones. Quoting, once again, my other post from 4 years ago: “love your friends, take time to get to know people, it’s worth sharing the love”
- Relationships. That’s also a tricky one. Everyone in my industry says that it is so hard to keep a stable relationship doing what we do. I believed it for a very long time, actually until very recently. I always said that it is due to my work one or the other relationship failed, but only when I was actually made to think more in depth I realised that it wasn’t my works fault at all, but basically being incompatible. However yes, it takes a very special someone to be compatible in logistical sense, as well as love being there.
- Home. I used to say that my home is where my iMac is. I haven’t used it in over a year. Technically I have no home. I have been living off my suitcase for over a year now, short letting flats, rooms, airbnbs and hotel rooms in various places, depending where my work takes me. That is definitely the biggest price comfort, safety and stability wise.
- Freedom. Being freelance seems like you have all the time in the world to do your own thing and decide when you work and when you don’t. Well yes and no. I never know how long I won’t be working for, it can be weeks, months or days, which makes it impossible to plan something ahead of time. I am not in the position to be turning down jobs yet, so my freedom to do whatever I want when I am not working can easily be disturbed by a phone call to fly somewhere for work, quite literally the next day.
- Sense of self. I knew exactly who I was at the beginning of my journey. As time went by my circumstances changed, people around me changed. Not all my encounters were good for me and the more I worked the more I realised that my priorities started shifting as well. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by work and being tired, that I feel like I lose the grasp of what is important to me right now. It takes an extra effort to keep myself in check.
Everything has a price and progress hurts, I still stand by it. I know that all of those things I mentioned took a toll due to my ‘pursuit of happiness’, but then again, pain means growth and I would not be who I am without it. Just a regular girl with a regular story.
Cheers with the glass full of elephant for all the regular people with regular stories out there. Here is mine and what is yours?