This week was a bit of a downer. I wish I could say that it gets better with time, but no, it really doesn’t. I am trying very hard to find a new purpose, but nothing I have come up with seems real enough to stick. The highlights though were my two walks and finally seeing my mom and actually being able to hug her (protection and all). I am looking forward to the next week, because I feel like I failed this one and want another try. Luckily that I have this opportunity. Wish that we all would have it. Strength to all those who have lost someone this week and one or the other way have been affected by the virus. I don’t have a lot of love left, but sending it all to you anyway. Let’s make it grow.

Monday. My friend told me, that if I come up with one thing to achieve that day and I actually do it, the day will be considered a success. I got into watching Big Bang theory series and making Keto cheesecakes. I lost count of how many episodes I binged through and was on my cheesecake number 2. 

Tuesday. Started watching the Tiger King, ate a bunch of cheesecake, contemplated relationships. If the Big Bang theory is anything to go with it seems that physicists make great neighbours and pretty sweet boyfriends.

Wednesday. Netflix day. Made few gin cocktails while at it. The day flew by.

Thursday. Ordered food in. One of the few times we did. The best thing is the contactless delivery, so they just drop food off by your door, ring it and run away. Pretty neat. Also I wonder how technology will evolve with all the new apps and ways to shop changing rapidly.

Friday. As of this morning military police started patrolling our streets so everyone would obey social distancing and quarantine rules. Feels a little strange. I have been having super vivid dreams and waking up in the middle of the night for a glass of water or a toilet break. Kinda like a little child, restless and grounded.

Saturday. My sister made me download this dating app, so I’d have someone new to chat to and perhaps get more excited to do something with my day. I spend the day chatting to some strangers and realised that I started to sound pretty negative when talking about things. Being at home got to me. Also it made me feel a little more sad, because obviously we talked about our interests and work and what not and I miss it all so much. Her plan didn’t work out after all. To top it all off I started having anxiety attacks. I was laying in my bed in the middle of the night with my heart racing as if I just watched a horror movie and my thoughts flying through my mind as if I was on those spinning swings at children playground. Yea I felt pretty shit. Funny how it can sneak up on you like that. During the day we actually went for a walk with my sisters colleague and his flatmates dog. The dog was so adorable and I don’t even know what I would be prepared to do for the unconditional love like that now. Hmm.. 

Sunday. I finally went to see my mom. It has been almost 8 months since I last saw her. My little brother came to pick me and my sister up and drove us there. I still can’t quite comprehend that my little brother can drive and I cannot. Funny. That was something I wanted to do before I hit 30 later this year, but now it seems that it won’t be possible. We took a long walk through the fields towards this tiny river we used to spend our days as children by. I think that’s a first time all of us went there toghter as adults. Crazy. My ever-changing relationship status and this pandemic really shone some light on my individual relationships with my family members. I realised that up until now I would usually spend time with them all together in one place, like family gatherings of sorts and it would not necessarily allow for a more intimate one on one connection. I decided to change that. Since I am ditching all the boyfriend business for unforeseeable future I really want to make it right with my little brother. Family comes first after all.

Gratitude list:

  • Sunny days.
  • Mom and hugs.
  • Cheesecake.
  • Internet.
  • Pets.
  • Siblings.
  • Fresh laundry.
  • My hiking boots.

Cheers with a glass full of genuinely full elephant.