Hello there, my online friends!
Hope the life in the pandemic does not feel like the end of all and you manage to stay healthy and active (by active I do not mean physically, I think keeping the mind active is far more important anyway)
It is a sort of theme for me this week. Keeping the mind working, finding the meaning.. I had some ups and downs. That’s what being all alone did to me and I am actually pretty happy being alone, so what about all of you who need way more social interactions than I do? I feel you! My love and positive waves go to you.
It’s interesting that my first few weeks of being 30 started in a similar way as the majority of my 29 was spent – in lock down. I don’t pity myself here, I actually think it was good for me. Of course I could find a number of reasons how it was not, but I don’t concentrate on them and choose to see only the positive outcomes. I think that’s where it is important to engage your mind. You have a choice what you want to concentrate on and that was mine.
Overall I could say that I am rather happy now. I feel like I have more purpose, what it is exactly I do not know, but I imagine it to be like that sprouting plant from the “Secret” movie about to come out.
Again, I am glad I keep this diary going, if anything maybe one day I could give it to a psychiatrist to analyse.
So this is my week, raw and unedited:
Monday. Woke up early. Rather positive mood. I purchased a new audio book by Dawn O’Porter called “Life in pieces” the night before, so started listening to it. Actually I spent the whole day listening to it, so I was kinda finished by the evening. Great book about the life in isolation. So appropriate, also read by her. I love audio books, I love hearing someone talk with a nice English accent, I feel like it improves my accent too. Also listening about someones life in this format feels like they are personally sharing it. Highly recommend. So so so good.
Tuesday. It is Tuesday, my 6th full day in self isolation and I managed to be spontaneous. How you may ask? Well, I went to sleep late last night, I ordered food home at around midnight, put on Enola Holmes from Netflix and chilled out with a glass of whiskey cocktail. Can’t remember the last time I was being that loose. Can’t remember the last time I enjoyed watching movies on Netflix, strange given my line of work. What’s even stranger, is that I actually started to enjoy this solitary life. I zoomed with my friend on Sunday and the last time we talked was when we went for a walk with her before I went back to the UK. I am pretty sure at that time I said, that I was looking forward to spending some time on my own, because during the whole lock down I was never alone. There you go, I got what I wished for.
Wednesday. Today was ok. Well it started ok, then we have heard that the production is resuming shooting tomorrow and my anxiety came back. I know I should be happy, but the lack of communication about this whole situation just makes me feel down. I started looking for a new place to move to again. Also found out that this guy with a flat who (I found last week) ignored me, not because he didn’t want to rent it out to me, due to my self isolation, but he ignored me, because he was told to self isolate himself. What are the odds. Also hurts less to be ignored in this way. The good thing which has come out of my alone time, is that I started watching movies again and I actually enjoy them, well I forgot that I did, because I “never” had any time anymore. So today I watched one of the Coen brothers films and it took me back to my uni days, when I was buying dvds and binge watching boxsets. Not sure Netflix was around yet.. Anyway my rekindled love for movies is something to be excited about.
Thursday. He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. Nietzsche said that. Today I started and finished listening to an audiobook by Viktor E Frankl “Man’s search for meaning”. In the book he talked about his theory of Logotherapy aka search of the meaning, drawing from his experience surviving in the concentration camps. He also talked about existential neurosis which comes from not having the said meaning. It was a very interesting listen, which to me personally served more as a self diagnosis based on the feelings and thoughts I had and still do throughout this pandemic. It is very liberating to know that my emotional state can be scientifically explained and treated if needed. Also knowing that so many people are in the same boat with me, gives this weird sense of strength. You can come at peace even with your suffering if you manage to see the meaning in it, Frankl says. Obviously I am not comparing sufferings of the concentration camps to sufferings we feel during this pandemic, but there is a lot to learn from it. I am not sure where I am going with this, but if you have a chance, give this book a try. In other news, my tv production went back shooting today, also I messaged few places for potential accommodation to move into next week. Also I’ve been researching renewable energy courses online as I would like to learn more about it. Oh and I completely forgot to have dinner today.
Friday. I have been asked to do some work today. So pretty much that kept me busy all day. Going through the footage shot yesterday makes me wish I was there. Mainly because there are some mistakes I wish I could have prevented, but who knows maybe we will have to reshoot it.. My friend who had a micro stroke few weeks ago, called saying that she is in a hospital. Doctors are not sure what is wrong with her exactly, maybe a bad side effect to the medicine they have prescribed to deal with the stroke, or could be early signs of MS. What is this year?? Also my flatmates fiancé was made redundant yesterday. Honestly, when I was thinking to myself that I would like my meaning to be expressed in helping people, I really did not want to be helping my friends here, because I actually want them all to be happy and healthy already. Damn. Still haven’t talked to my mom. I miss her.
Saturday. So few good things happened today in the mids of all the Covid crazy. It seems that I will be going back to work on Wednesday, also it seems that I will be moving on Tuesday and I finally talked to my mama today. All is good in the world. She did not flip out and somehow I have a feeling my sister prepped her for it. Or she really does have faith in my ability to keep myself healthy and alive. It was just so nice to hear warm familiar voice really. I am feeling pretty lonely. Working away pre Covid times was fun and a very social experience with tons of new things to see. Now, not so much. I have signed up for “hiking Manchester” group online as they organise hiking tours with transport and stuff, so could be a good chance for me to get out and be social in a social distant fresh air environment. Also as I was signing up a though crossed my mind, whether that is what single women do in their 30s before settling with a bunch of cats? (Joking of course, I don’t mind the cats or dogs ;))
Sunday. I was woken up by my friends on the phone. It’s a pretty nice way to wake up. Also I kinda slept in, so.. My flatmate is going back to work tomorrow. Her 10 day isolation has come to an end. Lucky her! I have arranged to view few places tomorrow, I have to like at least one of them so I could move out on Tuesday. Fingers crossed. I feel like I am integrating back into society again, so the spirits are ok again. Although those are such stressful times for everyone I feel like it is completely understandable to feel the ups and the downs from others and be affected by them too. Also I think we as a whole society need some sort of mental rehabilitation when going back to work or whatever the usual life used to be. Mental strength works similarly to the strength of our muscles I think, and what happens when you break your arm and cannot move it? Well it becomes stiff and doctor gives you exercises how to get it back to what it was. So I think we need something like that for our mental muscles – exercises. Any ideas?
- Dawn O’Porter “Life in pieces”
- Viktor E Frankl “Man’s search for meaning”
- Finally talking to my mama.
- Facetimes with my childhood friend.
- Phone-calls and long distance friendships.
- Keto snacks! I ordered a box of random Keto snacks from the supplier in the UK before I had to go into self isolation and the box arrived during one of the sad and lonely moments. Felt like Christmas getting that package! Also they wrote a personal note in the box. Thank you! I needed that extra love!
- Uber eats! I have order food and costa coffee through it. Little joys of feeling like a part of the world still.
- Hours of sleep! Finally was able to sleep through the whole night undisturbed.
Cheers with a glass full of snacked up elephant!