Hello,

Am I late again? I don’t know, but I have no photos to show for this week.

I have been trying to gather my thoughts to be able to sit down and write. I feel like I went through a number of different emotional stages in the last couple of days. I was ignorantly happy and a bit sad to leave my new home at the start of the week and then it all dropped to the all time low and I have been navigating in there ever since. A bit better a bit worse.

The thing which helped me to sit and write was, that I talked to my therapist today and then went for a walk with my friend and his baby. We talked about the prospect of war in our country and what it would mean for us. It helped me to put this whole situation in a different perspective, which basically takes me out of the equation. I have only my own life to loose and it is not in an immediate danger as some of my friends currently in Ukraine. So I really have to women up and stop imagining terrible what ifs before they happen. Even if I was to die it would not be the end of the world. Unless of course we are nuked and then it actually might be. OK I promised myself I will try to be light. So yea… sorry.

Hope you are all safe and are not harbouring any anger. I think it’s better to act from bravery rather than anger. And trust me I have been angry a LOT those past couple of days. I just think bravery is a much better feeling even when you are fighting to survive. 

LOVE.

P.S re-reading my diary again it almost feels inappropriate to be so affected by such small daily things. A lesson to be grateful and not take anything for granted.

***

Monday. Only slept for 2.5 hours acording to my sleep cycle app. 9 am pilates class, barely survived, so tired. Took a walk home which was like cardio and went straight for eFit class. I do not know how I survived to be honest. Came home feeling rather down so ended up ordering a tub of ben and jerries. Ate that and passed out on the couch till about 3 am. Impressive yes. Went to bed and woke up for 9 am pilates class again.

Tuesday. So yes, 9 am pilates. Was feeling much better today. However got home from the class to discover that there is no water in my building due to maintenance work I did not know about. SO no shower for me. I actually had to time some scripts for my friends show, so I did that. Edited some of the photos, did dualingo and read a bit. Basically productive quiet day at home. Wish the weather outside was better though. The snow and grey is bad and it doesn’t lift my spirits that’s for sure.

Wednesday. Day off from all the sports. Acupuncture in the afternoon. Film professionals networking event. Goodish day. 

Thursday. This morning I woke up to the IG message from a friend saying that he was worried for my safety. Hmm I thought and decided to check the news on my way to the 9am Pilates class. I was still kinda sleepy so what I’ve read didn’t quite sink in. Russia declared a war? What? In this modern day and age? After Pilates I had few hours free before my eFit work out and by then the dread started to sink in that this actually might be really true. As I was there at my class I was listening to a conversation this other woman was having with the trainer about her boob job and the nose job she wants and I just felt so out of place. It all started to feel so redundant and actually disgusted me to even be there. A lot has happened that day in Ukraine and in many hearts elsewhere, I am sure. But nothing shakes your life more than the actual threat of loosing one’s freedom.

Friday. I woke up tired. We stayed up with few friends at my place watching news and discussing how to prepare in case the war comes here. Never have I ever could have possibly imagined that it could be my reality. In a state of sleep and continued shock I went to my Pilates class. Now I feel like a fraud just for the sole fact that I continue to “enjoy” my daily activities when I know that my friends and colleagues are experiencing aggressive warfare literally outside of their homes. You know I always tried to be diplomatic and not paint everything in back or white, but in this case I am angry. We are still coping with the 3d year of the pandemic, we should be building economy up and enjoying life again. But now, we are literally watching a bully beat up a wounded. 

Saturday. Went to donate some blood. It was a first time for my friend so she was feeling a bit faint. I took her to my place and we chilled eating comfort foods and watching another dating reality tv show… I was literally trying to escape my identity crisis. Had a massive row with my mom yesterday, having mix heritage especially from such contradicting parts is not something I know yet how to navigate.

Sunday. I woke up late and upset. I am trying not to overthink and stress too much, but I am not very successful so I do all that supplementing with donuts. I am impressed I did not start smoking again.

Cheers with a glass full of elephant for peace!

Notable events:

  • Putin declared war on Ukraine on Thursday the 24th of February 2022.