Let’s talk about emotions.
So today I had a little cry, because the hotel laundry service has ruined my favourite champagne coloured underwear and now it looks grey.
Yes I am very particular about what I wear under my clothes, more than the clothes itself, so maybe my cry was justified. BUT, I have also spoken to Annie and she had a little rant about what tipped her off today. It felt good to rant with each other. The emphasis here being WITH and not AT each other. I think this is where my ongoing therapy is showing results, I no longer feel guilty for sharing frustrations and when someone does the same to me I do not take it personally.
So in any case I do feel like my reaction to the ruined underwear is a bit too strong and me being as analytical as I am I need conclusions and solutions.
First of all I soaked it in vanish in the hopes that it can still be saved, then I researched if the store I bought it from is in Thailand or ships to Thailand. It does, yay. I ended up ordering exactly the same stuff. Basically what I am trying to do here is to ignore the fact that it has happened and substitute the ruined stuff with the brand new. It did make me feel happy, but what does it say about me?
It is the second time I have done it. I lost my sunglasses on the way to Rome last year and when I realised that, I purchased the exact ones in the next airport so my anxiety subsided. Surely it cannot be healthy? Last time I spoke to Nicolo about it and he said that perhaps it shows that I know what I like and I keep. What does it mean now?
As I was driving into work with Tom and Paolo I shared a little bit of this story too and realised as I was talking that perhaps I am getting this upset because I am not emotionally challenged? And that makes a lot of sense. I am physically challenged, it is not an easy job I am on. I average 4.5 hours of sleep a night, but on the emotional level I am a bit bored. It feels weird to even write it, because there is war, there is my mom and sister and the baby to deal with. BUT, I feel like my capacity has expanded and because there is so much more space now I get upset about the underwear.
Of course there is some symbolism with it too, it is not just the piece of clothing. So perhaps I am sexually frustrated? That also makes a lot of sense. It felt good to have some romantic attention last week (aka. My date) and I didn’t realise how much I have missed the intimacy (aka. Being actually interested in someone) so that being taken away like that is a bummer.
SO my lesson here is how to deal with my emotions. I cannot pretend that something did not happen, I cannot avoid or substitute one guy with the other like I did my underwear. I need to be emotionally mature about it and admit that as much as I like being on my own, my body is telling me something else. And I can either fight it by occupying my mind with other things or be open and let it pass through me.
Just a side note. My mom told me on our last call that I do not know how to have fun. She said that when I am back home I do Pilates all the time, because I cannot just do nothing, because if I do nothing it is absolutely nothing. As I write this, I want to have another cry. I think I am depressed. Feeling the way I do now is the reason I started therapy in the first place. Fast forward 6 months I feel the same.